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The month of October is Attachment Parenting Month and I am an attachment parent myself. If you are not familiar with attachment parenting the API web site has this to say:
The essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and their children. Attachment Parenting challenges us as parents to treat our children with kindness, respect and dignity, and to model in our interactions with them the way we’d like them to interact with others.
For me being an attached parents means non-violent communication and putting a bond with my kids foremost. It means modeling what I want them to learn and not being a “do as I say” parent. It also means following my instincts before conventional wisdom…aka who cares if “experts” say that baby shouldn’t sleep in your bed…instinctually I know my child needs to be with me at night. In the early years it meant extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, and being abundantly, even excessively (if there is such a thing) affectionate. As my children grow it means finding new ways to connect with them, be patient with them, and above all give them my time and presence. That is the theme for Attachment Parenting Month – Giving Our Children Presence.
In honor of that I decided to make a list of the ways I promise to give my kids my presence even more this year. Among the items on that list is a promise to buy season passes for the zoo and the science museum this year so that we can go more often without money being a concern. We also plan to visit our Metro Parks more often going on hikes, walks, and picnics. We have some beautiful parks here to….17 just in our area. We have also been scouting some day trips that would be nice for weekend getaways. We are talking right now with another family about buying and RV together so we can make these trips more practical for younger kiddos and have more reasons to get away together. We also want to start a regular game night where we play board games with the kids. I do this quite often already but my hubby’s schedule usually excludes him so we need to work on that. I plan to take my two oldest kids to all the children’s plays at our local playhouse this year. Our first one is Sunday.
We have really been ramping up our efforts in this regard for a month or two now and I can say with great enthusiasm that we really love to be together and spend time together. Even just making dinner together and sitting around the table is fun and enjoyable…we just don’t get to do it as much as we would like because hubby works odd hours and nights. We hope to change that eventually.
I think we do a great job of giving our kids presence but it is still not enough IMO and I thank API for the reminders. They have some great suggested activities on their blog this month if you are interested. My favorite so far was the suggestion to hug your child ten times today for no reason. LOVE it!
So tell me…what is your best tip for giving your child the gift of presence?
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Include your children in what you do. Everything. If you are cleaning, let them help, if your doing household stuff, let them help. They learn so much from these things as well as gives them the feeling of purpose, not to mention bonding time. Perhaps when they are older, these are the times you will be able to talk about the things that are going on in their lives… keeping the communication, and bond, going and strong.
I read once that kids remember much more of the angry things we say than the loving ones. The writer of the post said he tried to give his kids ten times as many hugs and admonitions — and tried to make sure to give hugs to his teenagers where they’d definitely be remembered, like when they’re walking into the grocery store or other public place.
BEing there for them and being home all the time and having fun is hte best gift!
I find it more difficult to find new ways to strengthen the bond between my children and myself as they grow up…which makes me especially thankful that I did attachment parenting from the start because I have such a strong and solid foundation to jump off of with them. It would be, IMO, impossible to created such a wonderful bond with them if I were to wait until I saw a problem growing between us, say in their older childhood/teenage years.
Attachment Parenting is definately the way to go
Lia
http://stirringuptrouble.tv/
I read an essay once about nurturing creativity, and the author gave one of the best instructions I’ve ever heard for how to truly show support for children and be present with them during their artistic and/or exploratory moments. She urged adults to really engage in the child’s mindset, to ask questions as you would see them if you were in the child’s shoes. As my daughter has grown (she’ll be 12 in a month!), that advice has helped time and time again. Rather than just being there and nodding and being encouraging, it’s helped me to develop a true connection with her and how she sees the world. So, I guess my tip is, be more than just physically and emotionally present. Be intellectually present, too.
Best of luck with your goals this year! I always enjoy reading your posts, even if I don’t always have time to comment.
My kids are little–2 and 20 months. I let my older son take the lead on together time. When he wants to “read” or play by himself, I leave him to it. When he wants to be with me, which is most of the time, I make every effort to be available.
The baby is pretty much always being held, or in a Baby Bjorn, and he sleeps in our bed.
With both of them, we try to get outside as much as possible and have experiences together.
I am looking forward to having kids someday, but until then I get to enjoy my family members’ and friends’ children. I am glad that you listen to your instincts because I have to leave the room when these same parents say things like, “We let them fuss because they need to learn (hello, your kids are 2 months old! They NEED to be comforted!).” My mothering instincts are already well-honed, and it is hard to be around people that take doctor’s advice as gospel for raising children.
My son jusr turned one year and the past few months I am trying to learn mindfulness and truly live in the minute. Its difficult to not think about the never ending “to do” list or replay the morning activities, but to just be and share what is happening or not happening at that time. I also carry on conversations (not me non-stop rambling) with him and have since he was born. I feel both things treat him as the individual that he and shows him the respect he deserves.
Again, I love your posts and appreciate the knowledge that you share!!
When I have to do things around the house, I normally ask my son (21 months) if he wants to help or watch – even if his helping me means it’ll take me twice as long to get through the chores. I agree with Rogue – it’s a good learning experience for him and he definitely wants to learn. I find him mimicking my actions even when he thinks no one is watching.
When I’m with him, we’ll be drawing pictures with crayons, building Duplo houses, watching his favourite TV shows, singing his favourite songs, holding his hand or rolling his trains around the tracks for his amusement. Whenever I feel the tedium kicking in, I just sit back and reflect upon the fact that when he’s older and less interested in Mummy’s attention, I’ll be glad to have spent this time with him.
Katie – I so totally agree with you. I cringe whenever I hear parents talk like that.
BTW – not all experts say you shouldn’t co-sleep. AskDrSears promotes co-sleeping.