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It is my firm conviction that the strong-willed child usually possesses more creative potential and strength
of character than his compliant siblings, provided his parents can help him channel his impulses and gain control of his rampaging will,” Dr. James Dobson, The Strong Willed Child.
If that caption gives you hope it should as it supports the notion that all children—all people—have a unique gift that only needs to be developed through knowledge, nurturing experiences and maturity. We have strengths and the challenge is helping our children find and nurture them instead of focusing on any apparent weaknesses.
Strong willed children tend to question more than others. They won’t accept limitations readily and they believe strongly in their opinions. These actually sound like positive traits. The challenge is that in a young person who has yet to learn and mature such traits can manifest in ways that are truly frustrating for parents. Saying “no” is often the beginning of war of wills. This describes my oldest son perfectly. He is JUST like me….strongly opinionated, energized by debate, and always wanting the last word.
I am generally a “yes” parent. We don’t have boatloads of arbitrary rules and if I possibly can I always try to say yes. But when I do have to say no my son knows how to push my buttons.
“You are not meeting my needs….and this makes me upset with you.”
“You are not treating me with respect.”
“You are not treating me the way YOU want to be treated.”
Yes, he has a tendency to be dramatic. I give him props for trying to turn my own words around on me even if they are skewed to try and change a situation he doesn’t like.
Denying a strong willed child is difficult but so important if necessary in a given situation. How a parent says no is the important part. It takes patience, control and consistency to get through to a strong-willed child. They need you to know that you’ve listened and considered their view point. They also need explanations. While time consuming, these are all valid requests. The hard part is when your decision is still the safest and the most correct decision given the circumstances and it is contrary to what your child wants to do. As a parent you have to be firm but loving in your decision but it is important they they feel heard and valued all the same. Listening and redirecting works wonders for my son.
Try to explain things in terms of outcomes—especially those outcomes that have direct impact on your child.
Let’s say your 5-year old child is screaming at the top of her lungs in the middle of the department store. She wants to go to the toy department “NOW!”
Here’s a suggested reply: “We can’t go to the toy store now Cindy because we have to go home to prepare dinner. Remember after dinner you and I are going to make strawberries topped with whip cream for desert – your favorite treat!”
Discussing options in this article is really the easy part. The difficulty is having the patience and frame of mind to explain in a calm, loving but very firm way that your decision is best for everyone, including your strong-willed child. It also means that when it isn’t best, but perhaps just something you are being a stickler about, you can and should change your mind and say yes. Don’t be afraid to say you made a mistake.
This is tough for many parents because most of us were raised that children should be “controlled”. When parents say no there is no argument or debate…mom and dad have the final word and they can’t give in even a little bit. But I have opted for connection instead of coercion in our family. It is a partnership…not a dictatorship. I always ask myself “How would I feel if someone said or did this to me?” If I am not 100% okay with someone doing or saying that to me then I know I need to change tactics.
It isn’t easy raising a strong-willed child but how gratifying for you and also your child to know that regardless of the disagreements the love is always there and unconditional. It is important to remember that we can’t teach children to behave better by making them feel worse. They will behave better when they feel better.
If someone told me I was I was a lazy bump on a log would I feel motivated and energized to help around the house? Uh…no.
Lastly, we also need to realize that children only imitate what they see.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, buy they have never failed to imitate them. - James Baldwin
I know full well where my son gets his strong willed personality. ME! And my husband reminds me of that fact every day. 
I just have to get creative when meeting his needs and hope that I get a break with my other two, LOL. If he has anything like my drive and ambition then look out everyone!
Some books in my own parenting library that I LOVE that you might like:
Connection Parenting - Parenting through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear by Pam Leo This is a workbook too!
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
Parenting the Strong Willed Child
Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort
Raising Children Compassionately - Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way by Marshall B . Rosenberg Ph.D. This is a really small book and you could read it in under and hour.
Your Child’s Strengths by Jenifer Fox
So tell me about your own struggles with strong willed children. What works or doesn’t work for you?
Linda said,
April 29, 2008 at 5:48 pm:
I have been wanting to read this book and your blog has made me decide to finally buy it. My daughter, although 20 months, is very strong willed. Both her father and I are the same and it can be trying at times to discipline her. I grew up in a family where children should be controlled and seen not heard. Raising my daughter the opposite way is important to me. So thanks again for bringing up a great subject and reminding me for myself that this is a strength, not a weakness.
ann said,
April 29, 2008 at 9:22 pm:
You have a knack of discussing exactly what I need to hear. There were some points I really needed to hear…. Howard Glasser has written three wonderful books “Transforming the Difficult Child,” “The Inner Wealth Initiative” (for schools), and his latest “All Children Flourishing.” He focuses on a lot of what you discussed. Thanks again for all the wonderful information you provide.
Penny said,
April 29, 2008 at 10:05 pm:
I can totally relate to you about raising a strong willed child. My 12 year old son is very strong willed and smart as a whip. If there is a loop hole in what I say he will find it and get around whatever I tell him. I have found that a lot of thought and patience has to go into everything I say to him. I read The Strong Willed Child when my son was only 3 and I recommend it to anyone with a strong willed child. I do have one question I am thinking about home schooling my son and one of my biggest fears is that we will butt head because we are so alike do you have any suggestions on books or web site I should check out? Any info would be appreciated. Thank you.
Julie said,
April 29, 2008 at 10:27 pm:
Oh wow. The previous comment sounds like my situation. 4 year old that is so strong willed and we butt heads all the time! I want to home school also and am also fearful of us having it out all the time.
Great subject matter today. Thanks! I love James Dobson! I was so excited to read that quote from him. Awesome!
Missy said,
April 30, 2008 at 12:26 am:
It’s amazing how timely things are. I needed this post so much tonight! My son is 5.5 and is very strong willed. He’s also extremely smart, witty, sensitive, and lately, tiring!!! However, I realize those attributes that I find difficult to deal with at times will certainly be huge assets for him someday. I have to remember to find a balance and appreciate him for who he is, all of him.
I am reading Jennifer Fox’s book now, “Your Child’s Strengths” and does it make sense or what?
Thanks for covering this topic.
CanCan said,
April 30, 2008 at 12:45 am:
My oldest child is not only the classic “strong willed child” he has ENDLESS energy! The child needs no sleep or food! And he never stops talking/singing/whining/squealing.
I DO take comfort in your opening words…maybe all of this difficulty will pay off when he really “comes into his own”
Jennifer said,
April 30, 2008 at 12:22 pm:
I’ve got a strong willed 5 year old and the best thing that works for us is Love and Logic. “Parentlng with Love and Logic” is an amazing book that will teach you how to give acceptable choices (you’ve picked them) so that the child feels somewhat in control but in the end you are getting them to do what YOU want. For example, it used to be a struggle to get my son to put his clothes on in the morning. I’d say “do you want to put them on here in the living room or in your room? You pick” He’s pick the living room and the clothes would come on. He felt in “control” by being allowed to pick the spot but in the end the clothes came on which was my original goal. Check it out……..it’s awesome!
Jennifers last blog post..I love my DVR
Tiffany said,
April 30, 2008 at 12:43 pm:
Jennifer, I have that book but have yet to read it. I think I need to take it on vacation with me next week.
Kelly said,
April 30, 2008 at 2:20 pm:
I think I will have to get these great suggestions from the library! My dd is quite strong willed, my dad says its payback time. Generally, she focuses that will on fashion choices though, and that just ain’t mama!
Mrs Green said,
May 2, 2008 at 2:37 pm:
Thank you for all the book suggestions people have left within the comments and the article itself. Just to say, I am a home educating mum of a seven year old, who is ’strong willed’ (so much so that her teachers ‘didn’t know how to cope with her’, despite their years of experience because they had never met such a spirited child! That is one of the reasons I took her out of school).
yes, it can be done. I guess the secret is not to sweat the small stuff and to have lots of faith. These choleric kids will turn out to be sensational adults - they are the movers and shakers of the world. The ones who will bring about change.
We have to trust and not fight with them. The reason they are so strong willed is that they have come onto the earth plane with a real sense of who they are. We fight because they push our buttons and hold up our mirrors. Hands up who’s spirited child is their greatest teacher!!
My daughter has bought me the most wonderful learning - she is forcing me to look at myself, deal with my issues and find my own inner strength.
They are so driven and motivated that they cannot fail. We do nowhere near the amount of ’school work’ I thought we would, but I know my daughter will turn out ok. We just compare them to the rest of society and panic.
Let’s face it - they are not like the rest of society, so why bother comparing and worrying about school results? Just keep them home, where they are loved and understood instead of putting them into a place where they will be alien (and probably be labelled as disruptive).
Keep being respectful, honest and open with them and they’ll be fine
Losing your temper is fine too - we’re all human, we all have our weaknesses, but, as Tiffany says, it’s ok to admit you’ve made a mistake. They admire the honesty.
I think it’s important to put boundaries in place so that you get some ‘me time’ when you have a strong willed child - you can deal with them much more if your batteries are fully charged.
love and light to all,
Mrs Green x
Mrs Greens last blog post..Compost Awareness Week Sunday 4th to Saturday 10th May
Jessica said,
May 7, 2008 at 10:28 am:
The best book I have read on this subject is Hold Onto Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld. He promotes attachment parenting, saying that in order to work through counterwill we need to first connect with our children. I wrote my own blog post on this idea at http://www.practicalnourishment.com/index.php?id=7327264044336778034
nancy sv said,
May 11, 2008 at 7:06 pm:
The best thing we ever did for our strong-willed child was putting him in a bicycle seat and riding 9300 miles around the USA and Mexico! That journey was an absolutely incredible experience for him and he learned a lot on how to control himself.
Now we are getting ready to do it again - this time we’ll pedal from Alaska to Argentina - and I’m sure he will finish this trip knowing exactly where he stands. (you can read about our journey at http://www.familyonbikes.org)
Matt SV said,
July 7, 2008 at 1:11 am:
Honestly? It sounds to me like a recipe for spending my entire day explaining myself to a six-year-old.